Dierdre Östermann

There is evil. And there is immortal evil. And then there's this old Swedish bitch.

The dark Lady of Lausanne, Switzerland is said to have amassed a personal fortune somewhere in the range of $20 billion; she dines monthly with the heads of the International Olympics Committee and was known as a personal friend and associate of Coco Chanel. She's on a first-name basis with Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Ikea, she's the world's foremost charitable donor to the Béjart Ballet Lausanne, and her family is rumored to have ruled the slopes of this French-speaking wine-country on the shores of Lake Geneva since before the arrival of the Romans.

If rumors are to be believed, she and her "husband/father/son" have been leap-frogging in and out of the Nether for centuries through a well-maintained cherry hidden underneath what is now the Doll espace d'art contemporain utilizing a rare re-birth trick that spits the Damned back Topside as newborn babes with only a few mementos of the trip (like permanent weight-loss). Further rumors suggest that Dierdre has unofficially 'divorced' her husband, and he's rotting in some exclusively awful boutique in the Down Below at this very moment. If the craziest of rumors are even given a moment's notice, there are legends that she has access to the private library of Albin Schram and can call up the ghosts of figures including Napoleon, Tchaikovsky, Hitler and Ezra Pound to counsel her during Black Masses held weekly in the Cathedral Notre Dame de Lausanne.

Oh, and word on the street is that she's looking for a man to pull her ass out of the Hot Place once she croaks & make an honest woman out of her. The idea goes that the lucky crasher will get to marry the skinny bitch in a private ceremony attended only by a demon-summoner and a crew of lawyers, she'll officially "die in childbirth" at some point and her new husband will be responsible for bringing her, mewling, out of Damnation - and then taking care of the estate until she's out of the diaper-wearing stage and can re-assume control.

Plenty of time to make off with a few billion and duck the inevitable assassination-attempt.

According to the Fiddler, she once held a meeting with Coffin and decided not to hire him on because he's black. Then, according to Chet Awesome, she called the venerable crasher the n-word, right to his face, and he would have done something but she had too many guards - not that they could have stopped Chet, of course. And, according to Claire's Other Boyfriend, the actual Lord Östermann, wherever he may be, is the real ticket to the sweet life: getting him out of the Big Frying Pan would be the biggest score of all time.

Of course, if you were to get together everyone in the entire community who has actually ever met Diedre Östermann, chances are that you would come up with a big, fat zero. If she's active in the scene as a Cheney, its through so many layers of facemen and smithers that she could never be discovered. Amongst some crews of American-born crashers, the term "an Östermann Account" means a job so risky that it can't be done or a payoff of big that it can't be believed - a sort of shorthand for a "Mission: Impossible" without the annoying theme song that gets stuck in your head forever.

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