Ephraim The Mother

They call him the Seventh Son of the Second City, been here since the only bulls was in the stockyards and the black man was in stockades Down South. He's known as the Prophet's Pimp, because he forever knows who's going Down, and he always turns out a profit. He's called the Verizon-Man, because he's got the hook-up, he's everywhere, and he wants to know if you can hear him now. He's called "the Mother" because he's a bad one, because he's so warm to his baby chickies, and because he fucked your mama. Word on the street is that the Windy City was named after him and the wind he spins, cold as Lake Shore in the winter, hot as West Maxwell in the summer, glimmering like sunset over the New West through a golden grill across a silver tongue and sharper than a serpent's tooth, son. He's a friend indeed to a friend in need, a Smithers for the working-man, and that little black-book locked-up behind those big brown eyes is worth more than all the treasures in Hell.

If a fine fellow like yourself needs to make a connection to someone who works the Underground, the deal can be made. From Ephraim, through Ephraim. For a price. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.

Want to contact the Paperboy? Got the number right here. Need to speak with Bibb Graves? His home phone AND his office, my man. Want to invest your money with Bitch Anderson? Shit, mother-fucker is on speed dial. From the cell where they're keeping Dink Fandler these days to the house where Neneh the Bedwetter reads her messy fortunes, the Mother can give you the goods: address, cell, fax, what kind of flowers to bring and what time to be there. Hell, he can can even fill in a few blanks for the out-of-their-depth team: you need a cherry into Churmish? Ephraim doesn't work toll-gigs, but he can point you in the direction of someone who does, like Porky Edgewater, that slick pimp.

Rumor has it, of course, that Porky pays Ephraim big cash for good reviews & recommendations. If so, it's money well-spent.

As for that "Faceman for Hire" gig: in the event of an emergency, the Mother himself will even negotiate on behalf of crashers: he's spoken to Callus Detier for three different crews, he talked Evan Stampstone out of a blood-vendetta against Dennis From Moline when the mouthy fucker screwed up a deal, and he famously works as the go-between during the few, intermittent dealings between Stinko Yusarian and Legend Kligrapp. He's very rarely called upon to cut a bargain, however; the prices charged per hour of service make him outside the range of most teams unless death is on the line.

The only things that Ephraim won't touch are those having to do with "The Crones" (alternately called, by him, the "The Three Furies" or "The Kindly Ones"): Azrael Scheiss, Rachel Medium and Dierdre Östermann. They've got bad mojo that he just won't cross, for love or money; his quoted prices for stepping into the cross-hairs of the Abraxian Project on the dime of a crew, likewise, run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Those looking to find Ephraim need only wander Chicago at night, and he'll find them. Don't bring a piece, though: he can smell guns, they say, and he just won't show. And although it's said that he doesn't leave the city unless on the job, folks have bumped into the Mother in the unlikeliest of places; for one, he never misses the New Devil's Easter in Peoria, high-class hooker on his arm and a grin on his face.

Although he does almost nothing but bitch about the sub-standard grits the whole time, it should be noted.

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