Hagen McClelland

There aren't a whole lot of active Scientologists currently crashing, and the fact of the matter is that Hagen is somewhat on the outs with the rest of the community these days … especially since he escaped Rehabilitation Project Force, attempted to start his own paramilitary wing in Florida, and was sued by his former church for misappropriation of Scientology/Dianetics copyrights and trademarks in 1998. Still, Hagen will be the first to inform you that he's a fully-activated member of SeaOrg: he signed a billion-year contract to protect the pariah prison-planet of Teegeeack (what we call "earth") from all harm, including heretics and Invader Forces, and for the next 999,999,990-odd years, his soul is "Revenimus" - he will come back.

Hagen's mission is clear: infiltrate the electronic mountain trap where the deposed Lord Xemu was imprisoned by the Loyal Officers of the Galactic Confederacy about 75 million years ago, bring the tyrant out safely, and force the humiliated despot to publicly account for his actions regarding body thetans, especially the ones that make Hagen' masturbate to thoughts of his sister being raped. To this end, Hagen has stockpiled a lot of weapons using a lot of stolen money. Also, he was allegedly bitten by something nasty & centipede-like in the deeps of Oubliette a few years back, and now he can run high-level geometry and multiply eight-digit primes in his head. He has to be bleeding, urinating or crying while he does this, but it's still pretty impressive. Anyway, this has given Hagen's plans some very complex mathematical elements lately, blended with some very odd and disjointed numerology - because he still can't add worth a fuck, sadly.

With a personal cosmology situated somewhere between "excessively convoluted yet functional" and "bat-shit, suicidal nuts" and a head full of tactics apparently based on old episodes of the A*Team, the best place to track down Hagen when he's not wrapped up in plans or running missions Down Below is in a sex-club, watching bound brunettes engage in power-play. Whatever current project is on Ensign McClelland's plate, we can presume that the end goal is finding the cell which holds Xemu, springing the bastard, and then marching the fucker at gunpoint to some sort of cosmic Nuremberg Trial.

But the fact of the matter is that Hagen is pretty good at heists, both above and Below, including armored cars. And that makes him valuable to Cheneys.

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