Macgyver Mendelton

"Old Minnesota wisdom - if you don't wanna be touched, look downright untouchable." - MacGyver, pilot episode (1985)

Some guys are just born to go screaming down into the Hot Seat waving a sawed-off shotgun in one hand and a home-retrofit EMF detector in the other, a duffel-bag full of duct tape, anal lube, water purification tablets and AAA batteries triple bungie-corded to his back, a bunch of half-remembered anecdotes form MythBusters about black-powder-impregnated fuses and self-built drive-stun tasers bouncing around in his jabbering, chemically-altered skull. Nathan "MacGyver" Mendelton is all that on a pair of roller-skates with M80s taped to them so he goes faster.

Or, well, he was until one foot and one hand got taken off in two separate instances, one of which even happened Down Low, and now he limits himself to "short, sightseeing crashes" and the building of better equipment in his chicken-grease stinking, overly cluttered, sodium-lamp lit garage and wood-working shop.

Mendelton is a very smart, very dedicated, semi-competent do-it-yourself hardware and bathtub chemistry guru living out in the backwoods, and he does everything to the extreme: his "wife" is a Wicca-practicing bi-gendered self-identified BBBW (that's 'Big, Black, Beautiful Woman' to you and me) with a from-home escort service and five other boyfriends; his once-diesel truck, which also powers his work-station, has been converted to a handicap-accessible "frybrid" which runs primarily on reclaimed grease stolen from local chicken and biscuit joints via a tube, gravity siphon & ratchet system of his own design; he's been banned-for-life from the Burning Man festival for "gross endangerment of fellow participants" and he's representing himself in the upcoming lawsuit.

The benefit that MacGyver Mendelton provides to the crasher community is commissioned equipment: he's the guy for building near-military-grade equipment on a thin budget and under the radar, like body armor out of life jackets, armor-peircing crossbows out of bicycles, and bombs out of … well, just about anything. He's partial to white phosphorous stripped out of light-anywhere matches, of course, but who isn't?

For those without the cash or connections to buy the real thing, and with the infinite patience to deal with the weird bastard, who also has a pretty creepy scalping fetish which he likes to bring up now and again, he's the Midwestern go-to for hand-crafted flame-throwers, pipe bombs, night-vision goggles, hazmat suits and rebreathers, a good portion of which actually work. He's outfitted a lot of teams over the years, especially in their early days, and word of mouth on him is pretty good … but that might have something to do with the monthly payments Mendelton is said to fork over to Ephraim the Mother.

Sadly, visiting the "cabin" where Mendelton lives and works is the best way to contact him. The man doesn't own a phone or a computer. He does have a pretty sweet TV/VCR combo that he built himself, though.

Chet Awesome, by the way, thinks that MacGyver Mendelton is the coolest fucking guy in the WHOLE WORLD.

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