Matt Damon

Just to be totally clear on this one, he's not, like, THE Matt Damon or anything. His legal name is supposedly Matthew Jeffrey Damon, and his buddies call him Matt. Or, well, more accurately, the people who pass for 'his buddies' call him that. Meaning pretty much just Dennis from Moline. But that's something, at least. His grandma calls him 'Matty', which he doesn't seem to like, but he puts up with it. And she probably knows his real name, after all.

Or that might all be bullshit, and his name could actually be Steve or Clarance or something, and it's all just a big joke. His grandmother, if that's even who that old lady really is, is pretty senile by this point, and she might think that the guy living in her basement is somebody else. Somebody presumably named 'Matty'. Or maybe even 'Maddie'. But the fact remains that when people ask Dennis from Moline where he gets his hardware, he always laughs and says "Matt Damon". And when Stinko Yusarian puts a thick stack of hundreds in an envelope and has a well-trusted 'Crasher act as a courier to Dennis, he writes 'Matt Damon' on the envelope. And on those rare occasions that Matt leaves his basement under the care of Dennis from Moline to take a meeting, they always check into hotels under the name 'Matt Damon'.

So that's what people call him.

In a lot of ways, Matt could be a lot like that guy from 'Office Space' with the name Michael Bolton, except that Matt doesn't really interact with people very much or watch television, and he might not actually be aware that there's another, more-famous Matt Damon out there.

See, the thing is that Matt dreams of the Nether, and it's driven him pretty goddamn crazy. And that's on top of the severe autism.

Interestingly, it's driven him crazy in a way that people like Dennis from Moline can use. Or, well, 'exploit' might be a better word, actually. Specifically, old Matt is the current worldwide go-to for analyzing, working, repairing and rebuilding objects pulled out of the Hot Spot. If you've came back from Bulgone with a blood-caked, one-eyed Kermit the Frog doll that whispers blasphemies when no one is looking and will give advanced-stage syphilis to anyone who touches it with their left hand, Matt can tell you how to make it shit out a wadded up $100 bill once a Sunday (you hold it over a burning cross).

If you stole a mannequin-head with a busted nose that turns wine into human piss in the 30-ft radius, Matt can tell you how to use it to find cherries (feed it hair from a virgin and then go walking – it will start crying when it gets close). And if you scored an old stethoscope from out of a shoebox buried in the Lonely Woods, well, Matt can tell you how to tune it in and let you hear the darkest fetish of anyone (it involves a Magic Marker, a Polaroid of the target & a saliva swab or used tampon of their relative).

And he can fix stuff. Like if your typewriter made out of scabs and semen-clots breaks down or melts for some reason, he can fix it with just a single fresh human kidney and some duct tape. On a lot of occasions he needs more material from the Nether, of course, which keeps Stinko Yusarian busy sending crews into the Abyss for fresh gadgets, trinkets and supplies.

And sometimes, just sometimes, Matt can even retrofit things: story goes that Stinko used to have this weird mottled-pink Beta-Max player from some boutique domain that, if you popped in a fresh tape and jammed the power cord into someone's eye-socket (living or dead), it would record 88 minutes of the worst, most painful times in the person's life, in a first-person montage with 'Wind Beneath My Wings', looped,playing in the background. Problem was, it was usually the almost hour-and-a-half right before the death of the person (in the instance of using it on corpses) or the 88 minutes leading up to the poor bastard's eye getting gouged out (in the instance of living people).

Very useful in the Bad Ending when used by screws, not so useful topside when used by people.

They say that Matt figured out how to reprogram the thing to record the most embarrassing, socially-painful moments from the person's life. Deepest regrets and worst lies and most awkward social faux pas and stuff. Of course, that could all be bullshit. The only people who would know, allegedly, are Stinko and Matt and Dennis. And they all tell the same story.

Here's the important part: Matt actually really likes tinkering with stuff from Way Down Below Where the Bad Men Go. It gives him a sense of control and command over the Machinery of Damnation that invades his sleep every night. Heck, he'd mess around with the stuff for free, spending his days eating cold tomato soup fresh out of the can, brought downstairs by his grandma, and trying not to fall asleep at night by re-reading his old He-Man comics.

But then there's Dennis from Moline. And he wants to turn a buck.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License