The Government Man, Bibb Graves

The most irritating thing in the world, as Bibb Graves will tell you, is people who waste his goddamn time. And when Bibb Graves gets irritated, people get shot and dumped in barrels full of quicklime, so his irritants are something to be considered.

Also on the list of things that irritate Bibb Graves: crybabies, perverts, car-chases, people who don't pay back what they owe, his son-in-law, and the fact that the Bulls can't seem to get it together since Jordan and Pippin left.

On the list of things with which Bibb Graves will deal, because it's his job: smokers, foolish bravado, leaving the suburbs of Chicago for any reason other than vacation, 'Crashers in general, profanity of any kind, and the fact that Drogovich is fucking his own sister, for Christ's own goddamn sake.

And, for the sake of completeness, the list of things that make Bibb Graves happy: a good quiche, a nice Sunday afternoon doing the New York Times crossword out on the porch by the garden, books on Napoleonic history, talking with his daughter on the phone, musicals made before 1970, and a glass of well-aged bourbon and Viagra before having sex with his wife.

Often simply called 'The Government Man' by those he meets in the line of work, Bibb Graves gives most people the impression that he is much smarter than them and that if they do not pay close attention what he has to say, he will kill them. This impression is accurate. A retired ex-CIA bag-man with a list of state-sponsored kills going back to Cambodia in the early 60's, when he was barely out of his teens, the Government Man is something of an enigma even to the Cheneys he hires out to; he has an intimate knowledge of 'Hell-Theory' and can produce documents going back to the Bad Yellow experiments of the Nixon administration, but he takes very little interest in the day-to-day operations of crews or their charts of the Nether. It's only when he's called in to handle matters that he becomes dangerous, having gone so far as to pursue one 'Crash team into a cherry they assumed he would be 'too chicken' to enter.

Approaching the age of 70, the specter of Bibb Graves and his ever-growing retirement fund is used as a boogie-man by many old-time cartographers and 'Crashers, including Legend Kligrapp; when he began taking assignments from 'Mr. Drogovich' and then firebombed that one grade-school, things just got scarier. Of course, urban legend has filled-in several blanks: it's common knowledge on the street that Graves pulled the trigger on Kennedy, that he actually works for the DHS and only moonlights whacking errant 'Crashers when they get to close to the truth that Regan has been yanked from the Beyond by NASA, and that there are really seven different 'Government Men' and that they're all cyborgs.

Some facts: he wakes up every day at 4:44 AM to do push-ups and go running. He works well with SWAT-teams. He is an expert marksman, especially with a sniper rifle. When he gets angry, a little bit of an Alabama-twang slips into his voice. And he does not have a problem torturing people to death.

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